The All New Seven Deadly Sins

     My revised paper is similar to the original. I changed many of the sentences in order to make the paper flow better but the ideas are generally the same. It was hard to come up with new ideas or to expand on ideas that I had already come up with. I changed my opening paragraph up to make it more interesting and I think it draws the readerin much better now. "We sat on one of the fountains abundant with shrubbery and immediately noticed a young girl walking towards the food court carrying what seemed to be about thirty shopping bags." This is a sentence that I had changed around to make it more believable. When reading this, I can picture this girl walking through the mall with all her bags and hopefully the reader will too. "The wrathful argument immediately sent my friend and me out of the store." I also like sentences such as this one where I dont plainly say what sin is being committed. Its obvious because I use the word wrathful, that this is the sin being committed, but it makes the paper more interesting and not as obvious.

Seven Deadly Sins Committed at the Local Mall

            This Saturday my friend and I decided to take a stress-free trip to the mall. Both of us were low on money so we decided people watching would be an interesting way to pass the time. For those who don’t know, people watching is literally when you sit and watch people walking by. The goal is to not let them know you are watching them, and you tend to find some very interesting people. That Friday at school we had just started a writing project in English about the seven deadly sins so my friend and I thought it would be funny to see if we could find a person who exemplified each sin in the mall.

We sat on one of the fountains abundant with shrubbery and immediately noticed a young girl walking towards the food court carrying what seemed to be about thirty shopping bags. In my opinion, no one should purchase enough items to be carrying that many bags at one time. At the same time, my friend and I looked at each other and said, “Gluttony!”

            We happened to be sitting right in front of the Abercrombie and Fitch store. My friend and I chatted about the kids at school who are obsessive over stores like that and will only purchase and wear clothes from those stores, a girl our age walked by wearing Abercrombie from head to toe. She wore a blue polo t-shirt, a pair of skinny jeans and those rubber flip flops, all with the signature moose somewhere. This girl obviously exuded the sin of pride as she walked by with that smirk on her face.

            We had been sitting a while and decided it would be to our benefit, even though we really didn’t want to, to actually get up and move. As we began to walk towards our next destination, Starbucks, we passed by the toy store. It had been a while since either of us had been in a toy store so we decided “What the heck, why not take a look”. We had decided to walk in on the wrong day, MAJOR SALE. Anytime there is a sale anywhere, people tend to go crazy. The line was out the door with parents and small children and right there we spotted two sins. First was a father dragging his child to the end of the line as the kid screamed, “But I wanted the truck too!” I looked to the free hand of the father holding a car, but no truck. Of course the father replied with the typical response, “Johnny if you don’t quiet down right now we are leaving and I'm not buying you anything.” Greedy little boy.

            As we regretfully ventured further through the store, we realized we had entered a war zone. Toys were thrown everywhere, and we then heard the screaming. One soccer mom was yelling at another about who was in line first. They both had to get to their book club meetings and couldn’t spare any time, but ironically they had been standing in line for close to a half hour and neither of them seemed to notice that it probably wouldn’t make any difference who went first. The wrathful argument immediately sent my friend and me out of the store.

            We finally stopped at Starbucks and after drinking our mocha-whatevers we went to forever 21 where we again encountered multiple sins. First we saw two moms grabbing at everything they saw. They definitely should not have been shopping in that store, but they were clearly envious of their teenage daughters. We walked around for a while and found the slothful group as well. Three teenage girls had bought multiple bags of clothing for themselves and after walking out of the store, they proceeded to hand all of the bags to their mothers already waiting outside with previous bags.

            Lastly, as we were leaving the mall I heard a woman in the food court going on and on about how she just craved Maggie Moos ice cream. We had run into a friend of ours at school, and while talking we could hear this women talking non stop about how much she wanted that Maggie moos ice cream. Clearly she had a lust for some of that sugary goodness.